Another one for the series “things encountered around the university”:

1. Never say “Artificial Intelligence,” always say “AI”

If someone says “artificial intelligence”, correct them by saying: “don’t you mean, AI?”. You’ll immediately appear more well-read on the subject than any of your colleagues.

2. Offer to develop your company’s AI offering

When this honor is bestowed on you, simply take your company’s Digital or Cloud offering and: Find All and Replace > “Digital/Cloud” with “AI” and… you’re now an innovation leader!

3. Casually throw around complicated concepts

When speaking to co-workers, casually throw around terms like: algorithm, up-skilling, and machine learning to show you are both leading and following your company’s direction.

4. Suggest using the Voight-Kampff empathy test in your company’s hiring process

Suggest HR start including the Voigt-Kampff empathy test in your company’s hiring process to help root out unfeeling, cold replicants from the new human hires. But don’t be surprised if your HR rep fails the test themselves.

5. Ask powerful questions

Ask powerful questions in meetings such as: “Could a bot do this?” or “Can we gamify this?”. These questions show that AI is always top-of-mind for you and soon people will be referring to you as “our resident AI guru”. However, never ask out loud “What exactly is a bot?” or “What’s our communication strategy for the machines?” or “Just because we can do this, does it mean we should do this?”. These questions make you seem like you don’t care enough about dominating the future.

6. Add key AI terms to your business title

For example, if you’re a Senior Analyst, change that to Senior Robotics Analyst. Or, if you’re a Business Consultant, change that to AI Business Consultant. Or if you’re a Sales Assistant change that to Machine Learning Sales Assistant. Don’t worry, people will be too scared to ask you what it means.

7. Calculate which team members could be replaced by Voice Assistant Device

Use this simple formula to help you quantify:

[ Employee salary + Pension + medical ] – [ ( Cost of device * No. of original thoughts employee has generated at work per annum ) / No. of working hours spent on non-work related social media ].

Share your findings with the team in a brief memo.

8. Begin regularly wearing a VR headset

You can quickly make your own VR headset by covering a View Master in white cardboard. Then stand back and bask in the glory.

9. Become irreplaceable

The only part of our working day that robots can’t replace is chatting about AI at the water cooler and visiting the bathroom. The more you do this, the less replaceable you become. And of course, the more time you spend at the water cooler, the more you’ll need to visit the bathroom, thus filling your working day even more.

10. When in doubt, do the robot

Not to be confused with “doing a robot” which is an entirely different activity and should not be attempted in the workplace.

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[F.O. – adapted from
Noshaba Khan at The Cooper Review]
Featured image:
AARON, 040502 (2004)